Have you or a loved one been burned by a previous Craigslist find? Insurance company still not believing your house just up and vanished into some ghostly netherworld? Tired of purchasing trinkets, antiques, or other pieces of cool furniture that later try to harm you in the dead of night? Or maybe you got what you wanted, but then a week later thought to yourself, “I wish this had 98% less supernatural activity.”
We’ve all been there, and we’ve all heard the horror stories. Once upon a time, contacting Craigslist users for their goods or services included a 50/50 (estimated) chance that you wouldn’t make it out of the transaction alive.
I’m here today to tell you that for your next Craigslist conquest, you can avoid all these risks. All you have to do is buy my not-really-one-of-a-kind, but-definitely-completely haunting-free, demon-less brown leather sofa. That’s right, I can do better than 98% less supernatural activity—I’m offering you a sofa with 100% fewer hauntings. I’m also willing to match the paranormal savings from any competitor’s ad on Craigslist.
I know what you’re thinking: is this real? Can this really be that safe?
Not only can I comfortably say that this sofa harbors no spirits of either the good or evil persuasion, but I’m willing to give you a complete refund if you discover otherwise. That’s right: a full, money-back guarantee that you will not open the doors to Hell by purchasing this sofa.
Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, not so fast. There are drawbacks. First, it’s really comfortable. Kiss your productivity good-bye. It’s got dual reclining action culled from technology in the future, where everyone’s comfortable and reclined and stuff. Work from home? Forget about it. Now you’re just at home, reclined. All the time. There’s some wear and tear on the leather, but no outright rips. Also, not so comfortable to sleep on lengthwise, as the two reclining chairs are framed pretty sturdily and will dig into your body. But great for those angry nights when you kick your loved one out of bed. Unless they’re smart enough to figure out that they can sleep reclined.
I’m offering this badass piece for $325. Peace of mind is included. I just need it out to make way for new furniture.
Measurements are about 88" long, 40" high, 39" deep. I’m pretty keen on the measurements, but as we are all aware, the only way to get exact measurements is through the cooperation of a ghostly third party, and that’s obviously not going to happen. It’s difficult to get out of my house, as the front door will need to come off, and there will be some marginal rubbing along the door frame, but I got it in with little drama, and I can give you a hand getting it out and into to your truck.
I’m confident you’ll be happy with your purchase—unless of course you were looking to harm your family? In which case, you shouldn’t buy my sofa. But if you love your family, hit me up homies. I keep weird hours, so if I’m asleep I’ll get back to you when I wake up.