Have you or a loved one been burned by a previous Craigslist find? Insurance company still not believing your house just up and vanished into some ghostly netherworld? Tired of purchasing trinkets, antiques, or other pieces of cool furniture that later try to harm you in the dead of night? Or maybe you got what you wanted, but then a week later thought to yourself, “I wish this had 98% less supernatural activity.”
We’ve all been there, and we’ve all heard the horror stories. Once upon a time, contacting Craigslist users for their goods or services included a 50/50 (estimated) chance that you wouldn’t make it out of the transaction alive.
I’m here today to tell you that for your next Craigslist conquest, you can avoid all these risks. All you have to do is buy my not-really-one-of-a-kind, but-definitely-completely haunting-free, demon-less brown leather sofa. That’s right, I can do better than 98% less supernatural activity—I’m offering you a sofa with 100% fewer hauntings. I’m also willing to match the paranormal savings from any competitor’s ad on Craigslist.
I know what you’re thinking: is this real? Can this really be that safe?
Not only can I comfortably say that this sofa harbors no spirits of either the good or evil persuasion, but I’m willing to give you a complete refund if you discover otherwise. That’s right: a full, money-back guarantee that you will not open the doors to Hell by purchasing this sofa.
Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, not so fast. There are drawbacks. First, it’s really comfortable. Kiss your productivity good-bye. It’s got dual reclining action culled from technology in the future, where everyone’s comfortable and reclined and stuff. Work from home? Forget about it. Now you’re just at home, reclined. All the time. There’s some wear and tear on the leather, but no outright rips. Also, not so comfortable to sleep on lengthwise, as the two reclining chairs are framed pretty sturdily and will dig into your body. But great for those angry nights when you kick your loved one out of bed. Unless they’re smart enough to figure out that they can sleep reclined.
I’m offering this badass piece for $325. Peace of mind is included. I just need it out to make way for new furniture.
Measurements are about 88" long, 40" high, 39" deep. I’m pretty keen on the measurements, but as we are all aware, the only way to get exact measurements is through the cooperation of a ghostly third party, and that’s obviously not going to happen. It’s difficult to get out of my house, as the front door will need to come off, and there will be some marginal rubbing along the door frame, but I got it in with little drama, and I can give you a hand getting it out and into to your truck.
I’m confident you’ll be happy with your purchase—unless of course you were looking to harm your family? In which case, you shouldn’t buy my sofa. But if you love your family, hit me up homies. I keep weird hours, so if I’m asleep I’ll get back to you when I wake up.
Buy with Confidence
We’ve carefully crafted Apartment Therapy Classifieds to give honest folks a trusted environment to buy and sell with each other. Whether you’re buying from someone next door or over yonder, we’ve got your back.
- Stats and Verifications — Get to know the seller before you buy from them.
- Personal Messaging — Unclutter your inbox and keep your email private.
- Secure Payments — Make online payment with our secure payment platform.
- No-Hassle Refunds — Get the item you ordered or your money back.
- Friendly Support — Our team is available to help you in any and every way we can.
Contacting the Seller
Interested in a listing? Contact the seller and request to purchase or ask any questions you may have. Be clear, honest, kind and prompt with your replies. Negotiate price, including delivery fees if applicable. Agree on a pick-up location or delivery method if applicable.
Use our dedicated messaging system for all communication. In case of a dispute, these messages serve as a transactional record. For your safety, do not share your email address or personal information. Learn more about trust and safety.
Payments are transacted online through our secure payment platform. Once a seller sends you a payment request, simply click the “Pay Now” button and enter your credit or debit card information. We’ll hold the funds until you receive your purchase.
For in-person pickup, you may choose to pay with cash (or otherwise), but keep in mind that we cannot offer a refund should a problem arise. Learn more about acceptable payment methods.
Sellers can offer different options for delivery ranging from in-person pickup and local delivery to domestic and international shipping. For your protection, sellers are required to use our payment platform when shipping and offer you a tracking number. Learn more about avoiding scams and staying safe during in-person pickups.
When using our payment platform, if you do not receive your purchase or if it is substantially not as advertised, we’ll refund your payment including shipping fees if applicable. Contact us immediately at email@example.com and do not confirm receipt on the order. Once payment is transferred to the seller, it may not be possible to recuperate the funds.
Each seller may have a different return policy. In most cases, a seller will not accept returns. Before making payment, ask the seller about their return policy.
We find that members most often resolve their own issues through direct contact. However, if a resolution cannot be found, contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org and we'll make it our mission to make sure both parties are happy. To fully protect yourself, always communicate through our messaging system and pay through our payment platform.
In your messages, you have the ability to privately rate your experience with the seller and conversely, the seller can rate you. Your rating should be based on your personal experience with the seller while using our platform. All member ratings are averaged and displayed on the members corner.
Report as Inappropriate
If you have a general complaint about inappropriate content or activity, please use the “Report as Inappropriate” feature on the specific listing, corner or message. We will be notified and take immediate action. Your report will be kept confidential. The member who is reported will not know who reported them. Additionally, our review will be handled discreetly.
Other questions? Contact us at email@example.com for prompt assistance.